Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant (2009)

Three books from Darren Shan's popular vampire-centric 12-book saga Cirque du Freak have been smooshed together to make Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant. The carnage from that smooshing litters this hectic yet dull tale about a high school kid named Darren (Holes' Chris Massoglia, all too generic) who — long story — becomes a half vampire and hangs out with a traveling freak show, much to the anger of his best friend (Josh Hutcherson). Darren's mentor is a rather droll full vampire dubbed Larten Crepsley (John C. Reilly, working heroically to keep the movie aloft with his laid-back charm). Crepsley's nemesis is the angry bloodsucker Murlaugh (Ray Stevenson). Don't bother to take notes, because subplots go nowhere, and characters — many played by well-known actors — barely get screen time. Willem Dafoe, Salma Hayek, and Jane Krakowski are among those who are there and gone. (Hayek is an entertaining eyeful as a lady with both full boobs and full beard.)

Cross my heart with a stake through it, this Cirque du Freak newbie could barely distinguish between the vampires (the ''good'' guys, who have learned how to coexist with humans) and their hungrier, less tolerant rivals, the Vampaneze. But Freak cognoscenti sitting near me were equally underwhelmed, even as a violent showdown had the whole bloody cast flying around and whomping one another